Christian Humor |
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Jokes |
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SIPPING VODKA A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." One day Jesus' secretary came into his office and said, "Sir, you should take some time off from all of your work. Get out and meet your people here. Have a good time." Jesus thought a moment and decided to do just that. So he saved all his work on his Super Computer, shut it down, and went outside. He had a great time as he walked down the golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and mixing with the sawdust. In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, "Sir, why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself." The old man said to Jesus, "Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would 'find' me." Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man stared at Jesus, quizzically. Jesus said, "Father........?" The old man said,........"Pinocchio?" In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it." There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." Replied the lady. A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more." THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was bilingual. 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change????? Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness. Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today. Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But soon all thoses around can warm up to its glowing. Q: How many independent baptist's does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical. Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one. Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 25. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness. Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30? Q: How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments. Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman.! Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself! Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job! Moses, Jesus, and an old guy went golfing. Moses hit the ball and it went in the water. He parted the water and hit the ball into the hole. Jesus hit the ball into the water, too. He walked across the water and hit the ball into the hole. Now it's the old guy's turn. He hits the ball, and just before it goes into the water, a fish jumps up and catches the ball. Before the fish goes back into the water, an eagle catches the fish. Just as the eagle begins to fly away, lightening strikes. It scares the eagle, he drops the fish. The fish coughs up the ball and it goes into the hole. Jesus looks at the old guy and says, "Dad, that's the last time we're bringing you golfing." Jesus and Allah were having a contest to see who was the greatest. It was an even draw at the end, so they had a tie breaker: who could write the best program. They were both typing furiously, devising algorithms and methods that blew everyone away. Then the power went out and the computers shut off. With a minute left, the power came back on, and Allah and Jesus went back to typing. However, when the time ran out, Jesus was declared the winner because Jesus saves! In the beginning there was the computer. And God said #Enter user id. %God #Enter password. %Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create light #Done %Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create firmament #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %Create dry_land #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create sun_moon_stars #Done %Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %Create fish #Done %Create fowl #Done %Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %Create cattle #Done %Create creepy_things #Done %Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create man #Done %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %Insert breath #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %Create Garden.edn #Done %Move man to Garden.edn #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %Copy woman from man #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. %Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. %Insert man into woman #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %Create desire #Done %Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create freewill #Done %Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create good, evil #Done %Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. #1 errors. %Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %Break %Break %Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. %Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. |
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